i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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