I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
