Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
