I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
