I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have fence marks all over my body
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
