nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
