i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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