Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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