So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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