i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
