Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
