if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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