My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
