Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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