dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
