so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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