Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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