That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
