i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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