I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
