Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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