i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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