You're my little dorito
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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