I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
