I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
