oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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