I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
