he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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