I accidentally had phone sex last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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