I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
