I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
they need to just BURY HIM!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
