Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
