Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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