he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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