i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
