Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
