So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
