I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
