I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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