I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I believe in your delicious
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
