I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
