They should really pass out barf bags in church
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
