dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
