I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
