he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
