From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
