don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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