tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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