i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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