It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
